One of the things that I didn’t anticipate when I imagined having a baby was the amount of fear that would accompany the process of becoming a mother. I’ve always been one prone to worry- which is really just another name for fear. While I realize that worrying really never accomplishes anything and doesn’t solve any problems, I’ve always persisted in my anxiety over the unknowns and the “what-ifs?”
So, I don’t know why I was surprised, but I was in fact surprised by the immediate fear I felt when I found out I was pregnant. I always imagined that I would feel immense joy, and there was some of that, but really, my biggest reaction was one of fear. Doubtful questions immediately filled my mind: Were we ready for parenthood? How could we provide for a child? What if there was something wrong with the baby? What if I lost the baby? In what really should have been a moment of elation, I was mired down by the weight of fear.
Looking back on my reaction to change in my life, I can’t say I’m surprised. I always fear what’s to come, even if I have a strong sense that what I’m about to embark on is a good thing. Instead of facing it with curiosity and excitement, I lay awake at night and try to make an accounting of what I feel are our securities. It’s a control thing.
As I look back, at each of the major forks in the road in our 4+ years of marriage (and really, beyond that to our single days), I am amazed at how it’s always been for the better in the end. No matter how much I worried about what was to come or how we were going to make it, I had no idea it would be this good on the other side. I just had to get here and trust that it would be.
And looking back on it, it seems that this verse comes up over and over again, either through the gentle reminder of a friend, the preaching of a sermon or just by my stumbling on it, it’s always comes up when I am about at my breaking point with worry:
Do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Funny, huh, how I’m always reminded of this when the going is particularly tough? I actually heard it twice in the last day from two different sources. When I heard it again today, I had to try really hard not to cry (I was in public after all. And I’m hormonal.). Hearing it again reminded me of the last time I heard it and of what I was feeling then, which was very similar to what I’ve been feeling these last twelve weeks. And it reminded me of the faithfulness of God at that time and reassured me of the faithfulness of God now and in the future. It doesn’t mean that the road ahead will be easy. It wasn’t back then, either.
But it was good.
And this road will be too. Far more than I can imagine.
(I was going to write about this great recipe, but the photos I took didn’t turn out and really, I just felt the need to write this tonight. But, I do recommend trying the recipe. I ate it for three meals in a row- and only hurled once!)
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